23 Nov 2010

When life gives me lemons…

…i tried to make lemonade, but it doesn’t taste good.

I am not a person who like to plan ahead of what I’m gonna do and what I wanna achieve in life. The only thing I planned, that I can remember clearly is to get married on the 20th October 2010, which I obviously failed to achieve.

But during my Master degree, I started (try) to plan of what I was gonna do next and how to achieve each of them. I planned on when to start my lab work, when I’ll be able to finish. When to start writing for the thesis and when is the target date to finish it. I planned to graduate by certain time, to start working, so on and so forth. But I guess planning just won’t do for me. I failed to finish writing on the particular period as i planned. I failed to start working as I planned. I’ve failed myself.

Now I am still stuck with my thesis repairing, haven’t start working, and back to depend on my mum for some certain things. I don’t feel good. I honestly don’t.
Some may think that it’s just another few months, then I’ll get back on my feet and I’ll be able to support my mum then. But thing is I promised myself that I’ll officially take care if myself and mum when I turn 25 – a promise that had been broken.

You might see me as a cheerful person on the outside, but trust me I’m not as tough. I tried so many thing to keep myself cheer and happy, but deep inside I’m just a woman who is angry to herself for not being able to take care of her mother who had spent her last 25 years taking care of me, alone by herself. And I’m not even there by her side if she’s not well, since I’m like 4-hours away from home. Yes, I am that bad.

Life gave me lemons.. but even there were several recipes I’ve tried to make the lemonade, it still just doesn’t taste good.


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